“Write yourself a love letter”, says Dr. Rangan Chatterjee, MD, in his crisp British accent. I almost stumbled on my walk when I heard this phrase as I listened to his book ‘Happy Mind, Happy Life: The New Science of Mental Well-being’ (2022). For many of us this might easily strike a note of skepticism. Now consider his assertion, “the reason New Year’s resolutions don’t last is because they are not coming from a place of love, but a place of lack.” A 2020 study highlights a strong connection between self-compassion and physical health.
With Valentine’s Day having just passed, there has been no dearth of loving sentiments exchanged in cozy restaurants, in classrooms, on playgrounds, in hallways, and at breakfast tables. It cultivates a ‘feel-good’ sentiment that lingers in the air. This is the reminder to pause, reflect and ask ourselves, what do I love about myself? It may smack of narcissism or self-indulgence to some of us. As it turns out self-compassion is distinctly different from its cousin: self-esteem.
For decades self-esteem was the buzz word in schools and campuses. This has been held as ‘the ultimate marker of psychological health’. As a mental health counselor, in the 80s and 90s, I facilitated self-esteem therapy groups for adults. Decades later, research showed that the self-esteem movement was linked to disturbing levels of bullying in schools, and alarming levels of narcissism in colleges. Social media has taken it to yet another level altogether. Self-esteem gone unchecked does breed egotism. Without the grounding effects of humility and humanity, the ugly head of conceit and arrogance begins to emerge. Self-esteem tends to be contingent upon success. Without a desirable outcome we don’t feel good about ourselves.
Dr. Kristin Neff, PhD, considered a pioneer and one of the world’s most influential psychologists, makes a clear distinction in her TEDx Talk, The Space between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion.
- Self-esteem is how we judge ourselves positively. Dr. Neff refers to self-esteem as “a global evaluation of one’s self-worth: a judgment.”
- Self-compassion is how we relate to ourselves with kindness. Dr. Neff spells it out directly, “Self-compassion is simply the process of turning compassion inward”.
It is the way we would treat a friend, child or someone in need: with empathy, understanding and gentleness. Her book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (2015) dives deep into this concept defining 3 core components.
- Self-Kindness: When we embrace ourselves fully, with our qualities and frailties, with our smiles and frowns, we start with self-acceptance. We do not judge ourselves harshly, but gaze upon ourselves with impartial tenderness. We lay the groundwork for self-compassion.
- Common Humanity: We look for the common link with our fellow humans. We want to belong and not highlight the differences as being ‘better/worse than’ others. We do not compare our lives or outcomes to that of others. We merge into the shared experience of joy and/or suffering of humankind. It is being part of a larger whole.
- Mindfulness: We learn to be in the present moment. We acknowledge, accept and validate our current experience whatever that may be.
1) Recognition of the ‘here and now’ requires us to have all our senses alive. 2) Admission of reality requires us to be open to being vulnerable.
3) Confirmation requires us to have the courage to step into the moment with both feet, to experience it fully.
This 3-pronged approach is laden with responsibility that goes far beyond a momentary pat on the back. It requires steady practice and consistent discipline to engage in self-compassion. “It offers you the benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls”, declares Dr. Neff.
Take that first step towards self-compassion and bring pen to paper, address yourself in the second person and ask yourself what it is you love about yourself. At first, you might feel hesitant or awkward, looking over your shoulder to see if someone is watching. Let the words flow. Notice what you know about yourself and let transparency rule. The power of a love letter will astound you!