Making new year’s resolutions is a well embraced practice the world over. We do this with renewed sincerity and fresh resolve year after year. I glance sheepishly at my own short-term dedication to resolutions that eventually fizzle out. This year, in addition to the tenacious determination to hold fast to our resolutions, let us add another layer. After doggedly committing to goals for yourself, I invite you to set an intention for others: ‘to be present’ and ‘to listen’.
We generally think of listening as a reactive state. Someone is talking, so by default we are in listening mode. Now change the lens to consider it a proactive state. Approach a conversation by pausing and asking yourself ‘what is my purpose’ here? You become an active participant, not a passive recipient.
In today’s disconnected world, this will become your power tool that you can continue to sharpen and polish with practice. It will be your prowess to connect, enhance relationships, and cultivate a landscape for meaningful connection.
Christian van Nieuwerburgh, Professor of Coaching and Positive Psychology (Ireland) and Robert Biswas-Diener, Positive Psychology researcher and expert, have co-authored a revolutionary book, ‘Radical Listening: The Art of True Connection’ (2025).
Central Concepts:
- Clarifying your intention
When you filter what your purpose is in showing up for the other person, you are apt to be better tuned to the situation. By being deliberate and purposeful you become keenly focused, open, and ready to receive. “Your intention directs your attention,” says Biswas-Diener.
- Optimal support matching
Paying attention to what the other person needs is critical for adjusting the way you offer support. Are they desiring a listening ear or sounding board to vent to | a friend to confide in | a peer to validate, appreciate or celebrate them | a partner to problem solve with | a guide to advise them on a specific topic? Pause, listen and look for the speaker’s ask.
You want to align what you believe the speaker needs with what you as the listener are able to offer. If you are unable to pick up on external cues, facial demeanor or body language, you might ask them outright, “What do you need from me right now?” Be open and aware of their need to match the kind of support you are willing to extend. The connection will deepen.
Radical Listening is ‘a two-way conversation.’ You co-create meaning. You reflect on what you want the outcome to be for yourself as well as the takeaway for the other person. Understand your motives first.
You might be showing up to enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend you haven’t seen in a long while and share a laugh or two. Instead, you find him deflated and stooping with fatigue. You quickly reset your intention and lean into listening with empathy and solace. Your ‘why’ has shifted and you are crystal clear about it. You do not begrudge the other person for the turn in dynamics. Instead, you carve out ideal pairing of support. You shift gears and step readily into the role the situation calls for. This is harder than it seems at first glance.
I speak from my own humbling experience. Recently, I faced an unexpected challenge of having to figure out my role in a brand-new scenario. I started volunteering at a Cancer Center as a ‘peer-visitor.’ My identified role is to converse with patients and families who are waiting for their appointments. The purpose is to connect, with the potential to ease their distress and increase their comfort.
On my first day, as I shadowed other veteran volunteers, I breezed in, confident that my years of experience as a counselor and a coach would stand me in good stead. Wrong. I failed to adjust my intention. I needed to set aside my counseling and coaching hats and put on my ‘connector’ hat. I wasn’t there to do therapy or to coach anyone. I had not clarified the specific purpose of listening in that setting. The second visit was a definite improvement upon the first, after intense self-reflection. I am still learning what it means for me to be present as a ‘peer-visitor.’
Radical listening is far more nuanced than it appears initially. So don’t be discouraged if at first you find yourself squirming and shuffling to unravel how you can listen with knowing intention. Acknowledging your objective is the key. Practice, practice, practice.
Next, we will examine the 6 core skills proposed by the authors for the very purpose of honing this ability of radical listening.
Happy New Year! Happy listening!